Dialtone, Dialling
Telephone Conversation, from Lionel's point of view.
Dialtone, Dialling
Phone: "(Recording) Hello, and welcome to the GREAT AMERICAN TRAVEL AGENCY. All our agents are currently assisting other customers. Thanks for your patience. An agent will be with you shortly. Please hold the lion. Or the cheetah. We don't care."
Waiting Music
Lionel: "*GROAN* Oh, come on, I don't have all day …"
Phone: "Good afternoon, my name is John, how can I help you?"
Lionel: "Good afternoon, my name is Lionel Scruffycat, and I would like to book a last-minute flight for three persons to Dawlat Al Nimr."
Phone: "Eh … sorry, I didn't quite understand you. What was the place called again?"
Lionel: "Dawlat Al Nimr."
Phone: "Dawlat Al where?"
Lionel: "Nimr. N - I - M - R."
Phone: "Uh oh."
Lionel: "What?"
Phone: "There are travel warnings for this country from the Department of State, the Department of Homeland Security, the Department of Justice, the National Institute of Health, the National Toxic Substances and Disease Registry, Amnesty International, Greenpeace, PETA and the New York Gallery of Modern Art. Are you really sure you want to go there?"
Lionel: "I'm afraid I have to."
Phone: "And when do you intend to travel?"
Lionel: "As soon as possible. Preferably today."
Phone: "Uh oh."
Lionel (annoyed): "What?"
Phone: "Thaaaaaat's gonna be tricky. I hope you don't mind changing planes."
Lionel: "No, that's not going to be a problem."
Phone: "Uh oh."
Lionel (angry): "What the heck is it?"
Phone: "I hope you don't mind changing planes A LOT."
Lionel (unnerved): "How many times?"
Phone: "The only route still available today goes via New York, Amsterdam, Paris, Moscow, Krasnojarsk and Pyongyang."
Lionel: "*SIGH* Do I have a choice?"
Phone: "No."
Lionel: "Okay. Then I'll take it. And I'd also like to book a hotel room."
Phone: *LAUGHTER*
Lionel: "Uhm … bed an breakfast?"
Phone: *LAUGHTER*
Lionel: "Rental car?"
Phone: *LAUGHTER*
Lionel: "Air to breathe?"
Phone: "That's available as an option. Do you want to upgrade?"
Lionel: "Three tickets, please."
Curtain open
Start in complete darkness
07 - Sandstorm
Everyone shivers with cold. *bbbbbbb*
Lori: "Lioneeel?"
Lionel: "Hmmm-hmmm?"
Lori: "LIONEL!!"
Lori turns on the light
0601 - Matchstick
Tent light on
Lionel: "HHRRMG! What is it, Lori?"
Lori: "I can't sleep!"
Lionel: "Hmm? And that's why you wake ME up in the middle of the night?"
Poke: "Yeah right! Shut up and go back to sleep!"
Lori: "But… but … I can't! It's freezing cold! And the storm outside is getting worse and worse!"
Poke: "Yes, we know. Now, shut up. I'm freezing, too, but at least I'm doing it silently!"
Lori: "Oh you're SO mean!"
Lionel: "Poke! Stop picking on Lori! I must admit, I didn't expect it to get so cold at night."
Lori: "I *TOLD* you we need proper sleeping bags, and a map, and a supply of water, and food, and …"
Lionel: "I know, I know! And if we had all the money in the world, I'd have bought all of it, including air conditioning and sattelite TV! But we don't! So we'll have to be content with what we can afford: This tent, two gallons of water, and our best intentions."
Lori: "I'm not so sure about the latter."
Lionel: "I BEG YOUR PARDON? Do you really think I would do this if I weren't convinced it's the right thing?"
Poke: "That depends on who's talking right now: Your brains or your balls."
Lionel: "WHAT???"
Lori: "Lionel! No matter what kind of adventure you've lead us into in the past, you've always been the rational thinker. Maybe your decisions weren't always right, but at least they always were logical. But right now, I must admit, you're acting more like … like …"
Poke: "LIKE BATSHIT CRAZY! You're jealous because Mika is visiting a guy you don't know! That's why we're sitting here without blankets in a cold that freezes the balls of a brass monkey, in a tent that's only one thread shy of being blown away!"
Lionel: "No! That's not true, I'm not jealous! I'm just concerned! I would do the same for you, guys! All for one, and one for all, remember? And stop worrying about the goddamn tent! It's going to hold!"
Poke: "Oh, what do YOU know about tents? I mean, besides the one you've got in your boxers every morning!"
Lionel: "STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT!"
Lori: "Lionel, please, calm down! What's wrong with you? Why are you so touchy?"
Lionel: "Touchy? TOUCHY? Oh, give me a break! How am I supposed to stay calm when all I get to hear from my best friends is false accusations? But just you wait. Once we've found Rashid, everything will make sense again!"
Lori: "What?"
Lionel: "Oh! I meant, Mika, of course. Not Rashid. Sorry."
Poke: "Yeah, right. HELLO, LIONEL'S BALLS! THIS IS POKE, MAY I SPEAK TO THE BRAIN, PLEASE?"
Lionel: "ALL RIGHT! You know what? I did not invite you to come with me! I thought you were here to help me! But if clinging to my tail and acting like a pair of nannies is all you're up to, I can do very well without you! Here! Take the water! Take the tent! Do whatever you like! I'm leaving! Now!"
Lori: "What? You can't be serious! There's a sandstorm raging outside!"
Lionel: "I AM serious!"
Lori: "Lionel! I'm sorry! We didn't mean to upset you! Don't do anything stupid!"
Lionel: "I can take care of myself! I've been through worse than this! And I'm fed up with being told how stupid I am! I'm out of here! Good night!"
0602 - zzzzzzip / wind
Lionel storms out of the tent.
Lori: "Nooooooooo! Lionel!"
A cloud of sand gets blown into the tent, everything gets tubmled around, the light in the tent begins to sway, the tent threatens to be shaken down
Poke, Lori: "Aaaaaaah!"
Poke and Lori fight to get the tent flap shut again
0603 - Glass Crash
The lantern falls and breaks, everything goes dark.
0604 - zzzzzzip
0602 STOP
Poke (out of breath): "Shit!"
Lori (out of breath): "What a great job, Poke! Look what you've done! You shouldn't have talked to Lionel like that!"
Poke: "Correction. I only talked to his balls. And they deserved to know the truth."
Lori: "THATS NOT FUNNY!"
Poke: "Calm down. Lionel is free to do whatever he wants, and if he doesn't want our help … fine! There's nothing we can do. Well, except waiting and scratching our …"
Lori (interrupts): "Poke! You're gross! And besides. I don't even HAVE any."
Poke: "Well, Feel free to scratch mine, then."
Lori: "Asshole!"
Poke: "Rrrr! You begin to sound like me. I like that!"
0605 - *PUNCH*
Poke: "OW!"
Lori (angry): "But I AM not like you. I'm not going to let him run away like that!"
Poke: "Yeah, but what do you want to do? Run after him into the storm? I'd say, let's give Lionel some time to cool down. I'm sure he'll be back sooner than you think."
Lori: "Yes. Maybe you're right. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep much, though."
Poke: "Well, in those terms, you're still better off than Lionel!"
Lori: "*sigh* Good night Poke."
Poke: "Good night, John Boy!"
lori shivers
Poke snores
07 STOP
08 - Desert Day
The wind dies down. Cicadas start chirping. (Suggesting that time passes)
short pause
0606 - Machine Gun 1
Lori, Poke: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Nashida: "Come out, you pesky little creatures, or I will KILL YOU!"
0607 - Machine Gun 2
Lori, Poke: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Lori: "Stop shooting! We're unarmed!"
Nashida: "That's great! But I don't care! Muahahaha!"
0608 - Machine Gun 3
Lori, Poke: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Nashida: "All right, girls! Tear the tent down!"
0609 - Fennecs: "Allahu Akbar!" (War cries) / Tearing Tent down
The fennecs tear apart the tent, leaving Poke and Lori exposed
Very fast Mainlights on (white 100%, Yellow 100%, Red 100%)
Nashida: "Ahaaa! Look what we have here! Tresspassers!"
Poke: "Why, good morning, sweetheart!"
Lori: "POKE!"
Nashida: "Poke? Poke? Poke? Pokepokepoke? What's that supposed to mean? You think you can intimidate Nashida, because you're a man, right? But be aware! We're not your average women that will stay in the back of the house when the men talk! This territory belongs to our tribe, the women of the Al Waha Ta'lab! And who are you?"
Lori: "Uhn … ehh … Salem Aleikum, honoured Nash … ida! We're just travellers on our way to the mountain Jabal Abu Nahla! My Name is Loreena Mc Folkmanis."
Nashida: "Aha? Is that so? Well then, Loreena, I've got bad news for you: The road to the Jabal Abu Nahla is … CLOSED!"
Lori: "Oh, it is? I'm so sorry! I didn't know! Eh … we didn't mean to tread on anyone's tail! Thanks for the warning! We'll be on our way back home then! Have a nice day! Goodbye! Aleikum Salam! Arrividerci! Auf Wiedersehen!"
Lori grabs Poke and motions to leave
Nashida raises her gun
Nashida: "Hey! STOP! You're not going anywhere without Malika's permission! Malika always says, by all means trust in Allah … but tie your camel first! Could be you're Adham's servants, after all! Yesyesyes! In which case, we will kill you! Especially that hokey pokey male of yours! Muhahahhaaa!"
Poke: "I love you too! Will you marry me?"
Lori (hissing at Poke): "POKE! Stop it! This is a different culture, you don't know how they're going to react!"
Lubab enters, balancing a large tray of food
Poke (hissing back): "Then let's find out!"
Lori (hissing forth): "NO!!!!"
Lubab: "Ah! There you are! Breakfast is ready! Dig in everyone!"
Lubab sets down the tray of food
Nashida: "Lubab, Im trying to deal with these prisoners. Could you please wait with this until we're done?"
Lubab (surpsised): "Oh! We have guests! Why didn't you tell me?"
Nashida: "They're prisoners! Not guests!"
Lubab: "Prisoners are guests, too! I'll be right back with more food!"
Nashida: "Oh no! By Mohammad, the great, the merciful! Not MORE of that dreadful stuff!"
Lubab: "But …. but …. I put so much effort in it!"
Nashida: "*SIGH* Oh no, not that discussion again …"
Poke: "What's so bad about the food?"
Nashida pokes Poke's nose with the barrel of her gun
Nashida: "Hey! I can't remember ordering you to speak, prisoner!"
Lori (to herself): "If you want to damage vital parts, aim for his crotch, not for his head."
Lubab: "Nashida, if you don't like it, why don't you at least let our guests have it! You're so impolite!"
Nashida: "Because I'm supposed to make prisoners, not martyrs!"
Lori (whispers to poke): "Poke! It's an old bedouin custom to offer hospitality even to your enemies! That's our chance! Go for it!"
Poke (whispers to Lori): "I know!"
Lori (surprised): "Oh, you do?"
Poke (loud!): "Oh! Lubab! What a generous offer! But I really do not want to cause any inconvenience! This meal belongs to the women of the al wahal of the one or the other, and not an infidel like me!"
Lubab: "But you must be hungry! Come on! Step forward! You're welcome!"
Poke: "Oh, all right, If you insist … "
Poke walks to the plate
Lori (whispers to Poke): "Don't use your left hand!"
Poke (whispers to Lori): "I'm not stupid you know!"
Poke tries the food, and freaks out
Poke: "ACK! *COUGH* *SPIT* *blblblblbll*"
Poke uses Lori's tail as a toothbrush
0610 - toothbrush
Poke spits
Lori: "POKE! NO! You're ruining everything! Ehh.."
Lori turns around to Nashida
Lori: "I beg your forgiveness for my friend! He doesn't mean to be rude, it's just that he doesn't know about arabian customs, and he …"
Nashida: "It's allright, don't worry. My first reaction to Lubab's food was exactly the same. Every woman in the camp can cook better than Lubab …. but Malika insists that everyone sticks to their duties. Her food may be horrible, but at least she can't accidently shoot anyone with it."
Lori: "Oh!"
Poke (dramatic): "OH NO! What in Allah's name did you do to this POOR CHICKEN!"
Lubab: "Oh! See, Nashida, HE can still tell what it is!"
Poke: "It tastes like roadkill that has been rotting in the sun for too long! How did you cook it?"
Lubab: "Well, first I removed all the feathery stuff. Then I put it in the pot. And then I cooked it. And sometimes, I also add some of the green stuff."
Poke: "The … green stuff? You mean, like, parsley?"
Lubab: "Uhmm … I dunno. Maybe. Is parsley green?"
Poke: "*SIGH* Okay. Let's try something else then. The green stuff, where do you take it from?"
Lubab: "Well, Malika gave me this little bag. It has lots of colourful stuff in it!"
Lubab holds up the bag
Poke: "May I have a closer look?"
Nashida facepalms
Lubab: "Go ahead!"
Poke rummages through the bag.
Poke: "A-ha! Parsley! Saffron! Chilis! Sesame! Now we're talking!"
Lori: "Poke, what are you doing there?"
Poke: "Trust me …I know what I'm doing!"
Poke takes a shaker from the bag, and spices the food.
Poke: "TADAAA! There! Now try it again!"
Nashida sniffs the food sceptically. *sniff-sniff* Then takes a bite!
Nashida: "Wow! The chicken no longer tastes like rubber! Now it tastes like SPICY rubber!"
The other fennecs mumble and talk and gather around the plate, trying a bit, too.
Poke: "Yeah, I can't repair what you've done to the poor chicken … but, if you get me the right ingredients, I might be able to cook something new for you!"
Nashida: "No! You're still my prisoner, ferret! And that means you're not going anywhere!"
0611 - Fennec 1: "But Nashida! We haven't had proper food in months! Give the man a chance!"
0611 (cont.) - Fennec 2: "Yeah! Let him cook! I'm hungry, and it can't possibly get any worse!"
0611 (cont.) - Fennec 3: "Maybe men ARE good for something!"
t
Lubab: "Yes, and maybe I can learn from him!"
Everyone turns towards Nashida, pointing at Lubab
0612 - EVERYONE: "YES! AND MAYBE SHE CAN LEARN FROM HIM!"
Poke: "Okay, sounds like we have a deal, then!"
Nashida: "What? No! Prisoners aren't allowed to cook!"
Poke: "Says who? Anyways, I'm sure you guys have lemons, right? You! Go and get me some lemons!"
Fennec 1 leaves
Nashida: "Hello? I'm the leader here, and I …"
Poke: "And you! Get me some fresh, unmutilated chicken, allright?"
Fennec 2 leaves
Nashida: "Prisoner! I hereby order you to …"
Poke: "And you, over there! I also need almonds, two handfulls, at least! No, better three!"
Fennec 3 leaves
Nashida (desperate): "Aaaaaaaaargh! Why is nobody listening to me???"
Poke: "Stop throwing a fit, and get me some flatbread, will you? Come on! I haven't got all day!"
Nashida: "What? Flat … bread? Are you … I mean … oh well. I give up. You shall have flatbread, In'shallah! Lubab, hold this."
Nashida gives Lubab her gun and runs off.
Lubab stares at the gun.
Lubab (wide-eyed): "Oh. Wow! I'm allowed to hold a gun! Let's see if I still remember how …"
Lubab's machine gun starts firing,
0613 - Machine Gun 4
Lubab gets catapulted off stage by the recoil
Lubab: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
0613 (cont) - CRASH
Lori: "Poke, you're genius! They're all gone!"
Poke: "Yeah."
Lori: "Then … let's run for it!"
Lori starts running off
Poke: "Hey! Where the hell are you going? I haven't even started cooking yet!"
Lori stops in her tracks, turning back towards Poke
Lori: "What? Are you crazy? This might be our only chance to escape!"
Poke: "Escape to where? The desert? With no equipment? And no water? Yeah, what a great idea!"
Lori: "But what about Lionel and Mika?"
Poke: "I don't know. But there's no point in running away if that means we'll die! So I'd rather stay here with the nice ladies, and survive. And aren't they cute, too? Especially the small fidgety one with the big gun! Me-ow! She's SO hot! And I bet there are more like that where she comes from! I'm going to start my own little harem, and …"
Lori: "Poke! Keep your fantasies at bay!"
Poke: "Okay. There goes YOUR place in my harem."
Lori: "Will you CUT IT OUT! We have more important things to worry about right now!"
Poke: "Yes! Cooking! And I could still need some Haloumi cheese. Could you please go and get me some?"
Lori: "AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!"
0614 - Ending
08 STOP
Main light off
Curtain close