Act 2, Scene 3: Playing Dirty [Bathhouse]


The Roman Baths

Originally, Roman bath houses were small, strictly practical wash houses, and reserved only for men. But in the second century BC, public baths were turned into sometimes enormous recreation centres, often fully equipped with gymnasia, gardens, libraries and reading rooms in addition to the baths themselves.

During the height of the Empire, the Baths were open to men, women and children alike and Romans went to the Baths to meet others, to stroll about and talk, to play ball and other games, to exercise and, of course, to get cool in summer and warm up during winter. The Baths were the social centres of Roman society, and they were notorious for the cacophony of noise coming from them.

The fee to use the baths was the very modest amount of one Quadrans - the smallest unit of currency in the Empire. However, rich locals, in attempts to boost their influence and social standing, would sometimes sponsor entry to the Baths - as well as other public facilities - which allowed the locals to use the facilities at no expense. Even the Emperor himself was no stranger to bestowing the their sponsorship upon these buildings.

There were cold baths in the frigidarium, a warm room - called a tepidarium - and a heated chamber, the calidarium, which had warm baths and hot air akin to a modern Turkish bath. Bathers could enjoy any one or any of these in turn and in any order.

The heat was provided by a fierce fire under the floors fueled by large quantities of wood and stoked by slaves. Since the Romans lacked soap, part of the treatment was to remove dirt and sweat by being scraped down with a metal, bone or wooden blade. The bathers either brought slaves with them to carry their towels, to scrape, and to rub them down, or they hired such services at the Baths - where there were often masseurs, anointers, depilators and perfumers. The poor, who could afford none of these attentions, rubbed and scraped themselves by hand or against a wall.

After reclaiming their tunics and togas from the cloakroom attendant, (that is if they had not been stolen or switched for shoddy, worn out clothes by some enterprising thief), they could lounge, talk and stroll, read or eat before they all went their separate ways.

Main Dialogue

%HND% Curtain - open

%AMB% 0701 - Bath House Ambience

%LIG% Lights on (interior bath house)

%SND% 0702 - Door Opens

%ACT% Octavia, the cook of Caius Gavius Rufus, enters the dressing room [7]

%SND% 0703 - Attendant: "Salve, Octavia! How was your day so far?"

%ACT% Octavia walks past the Attendant, immediately proceeding to undress while she walks in, dropping everything to the floor while she talks

%ACT% The attendant walks after her, picking up everything she drops.

Octavia: "By the Gods! Do I need a break. Gavius is driving me crazy today! He's been running around like a headless chicken, yelling at everyone in the house. I mean, he's always a bit tense when the games are on, but it's never been THAT bad before! For lunch, he took a single bite out of everything, and then left without a word ... un-fucking-believable!"

%ACT% The attendant stoically collects Octavia's belongings and stuffs them into one of the baskets.

%ACT% Octavia walks into the hot bath room

Octavia: "Octavia do this, Octavia do that, your stew tastes like dung, don't we have any decent wine in this house ... oh, hi Felicia!"

Felicia (unhappy): "Meow!"

Octavia: "Aww, what's up, big kitty? You look miserable! Didn't you have your big show today? And what happened to your nose?"

Felicia (unhappy): "Some idiot who didn't know what to do with the pointy end of his sword happened to my nose. Gladiators just aren't the professionals they once were. Today it's all about cheap, replaceable labour. Embarrassing. Utterly embarrassing. *sigh* Say, could you lend me a hand, and scrub my back?"

Octavia: "Oh, for you any time, my dear!"

%ACT% Octavia takes a big brush from nowhere, and starts to scrub Felicia's back.

Felicia (with relish): "Oooooh yes, that's good. Yeah, right there... oh, wonderful .... *purrrRRRrrrrRRRrrrRRR*"

%ACT% Felicia purrs, and kneads with her paws like a house cat.

%ACT% Marcus enters the dressing room from [7], panting, acting totally desperate and exhausted

%SND% 0704 - Attendant: "Hey, stop! Where do you think you're going?! This is the women's section, the men's section is down the hallway!"

%ATT% FAIRLIGHT: Nächste zeile nicht zu hektisch bitte!

Marcus: "You won't believe what's going on over there right now! Everyone's gone totally out of their minds! They're all wearing strange costumes, running in circles trying to create a vortex, and the entire pool is filled with giant inflatable animals! They're completely out of control and someone's got to STOP them!"

%SND% 0705 - Attendant: "What?! Unbelieveable! I'll see to that at once!"

Marcus: "Come on! This way! This way!"

%ACT% Marcus points outside to [7]

%ACT% Attendant runs outside, to the off [7]

%SND% 0706 - *BONK* + Body Drops

Attendant (off): "UGH!"

%ACT% Marcus flinches

Marcus: "Ooh, that must have hurt."

%ACT% Vesonia comes in [7], carrying a large club over her shoulder

Vesonia: "I think that one will not bother us for a while!"

Marcus: "Excellent!"

%ACT% Marcus and Vesonia do the full body high-five :-)

Marcus: "One down, two more to go. Vincentus? Now it's your turn!"

%ACT% Marcus and Vesonia hide off stage

%ACT% Vinnie enters [7], dressed like a cleaning lady, carrying a mop and a bucket.

Vinnie (feigning a woman's voice): "Vincenta! My name is Vincenta. Why does everybody get it wrong?"

%ACT% Vinnie walks into the women's bath.

Vinnie (singing voice): "It's cleaning time!"

%ACT% Vinnie uncovers the sign, which shows a drawing for a slipping roman (losing his slippers) and the caption "CAUTIO! LUBRICA AREA!"

%ACT% Vinnie pushes the very heavy marble sign into the middle of the room, while talking

%SND% 0707 - Marble Scraping

Vinnie: "My ladies, I'm afraid but this section will be closed for cleaning for the next 15 minutes."

Felicia: "You can't be serious!"

Octavia: "Oh come one, she's just doing her job. We can go over and relax in the trepidarium. How does that sound?"

%SND% 0708 - Marble Scraping Ends

Felicia: "Oh, all right, if we have to ..."

%ACT% Felicia stands up, stretches, yawns, and then shakes, spraying EVERYTHING with water.

%SND% 0709 - Tiger Shaking

Felicia: "Oops. Did I do that? I'm so sorry!"

Vinnie: "Well, make it 20 minutes now. That's your fault. Now get out, out, out."

%ACT% Vinnie shoos them out with his mop

%ACT% Felicia turns around and sniffs, and stalks Vinnie, getting uncomfortably close

Felicia: "Wait a minute ... your smell is very familiar. Now where have I met you before ..."

%ACT% Vinnie whaps Felicia on the nose with the mop

%SND% 0710 - Wet slap

Felicia: "Ouch!"

Vinnie: "Don't stick your nose into things that are not your business, now let me do my job!"

%ACT% Felicia turns around and walks into the next room opposite of the dressing room

Felicia: "All right, all right ... I've had enough for today."

%ACT% Octavia follows Felicia

Octavia: "Poor kitty, always gets it on the nose ..."

%SND% 0711 - Door Closes

Vinnie (calling): "We're on our own!"

%ACT% Vesonia and Marcus enter the dressing room

Vesonia: "That was an excellent job, everybody! Well done!"

Marcus: "Thank you!"

Vinnie: "Any time!"

Vesonia: "I just have one question: How do you inflate animals?"

Marcus: "Uhmm.... I'll explain it to you another time. I think we should really go for the key now."

Vesonia: "Okay, you start from the left, I start from the right. Who finds the key first, wins. Ready, Set, GO!"

%ACT% Vinnie facepalms

%MUS% 0712 - Game Show Music

%ACT% Vesonia and Marcus start rummaging through the baskets, throwing all contents behind them.

%ACT% Marcus finds the key!

Marcus: "I got it! Wohooo!"

%MUS% 0713 - Game show music stops!
%SND% 0714 - Applause!
%MUS% 0712 FADE

%ACT% Marcus bows

Marcus: "Thank you, thank you, thank you. At this time I'd like to thank my director, my producer, and my hairdresser - who's always been exceptionally nice to me, and ..."

%ACT% Vesonia snatches the key from Marcus' hand, and laughs

%SND% 0715 - Key Jingle

Vesonia: "... now I have the key! First lesson when becoming a thief: Don't talk too much! And the second lesson: Always keep your loot safe!"

%ACT% Vesonia hides the key in her cleavage

Marcus: "Hey, that's not fair!"

%MUS% 0716 - Romantic Comedy

Vesonia (teasing): "We're outlaws now. If we want to survive, we have to play dirty."

Marcus: "Give me my key back!"

Vesonia (teasing): "Well, come and get it!"

%ACT% Marcus jumps at Vesonia, but she dodges

Vesonia (laughing): "Hahaha! Is that all you can do?"

%ACT% Marcus lands on the floor

Marcus (mischievous): "Just you wait ...."

%ACT% Vesonia turns and runs into the main bath room, laughing

%ACT% Marcus follows her

%ATT% Improvise dialogue!

%ACT% Marcus chases Vesonia around the pool, manages to catch her

%ACT% They wrestle, and fall into the pool

Vesonia: "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks!"

%MUS% 0716 FADE
%MUS% 0717 - Slide + Hit
%SND% 0718 - BIG SPLASH + Waves (long)

%ACT% Vesonia and Marcus cough, spit, and laugh their asses off.

Marcus: "Lesson number three: Don't try to outrun the fox who has the longer legs!"

%ACT% Marcus holds up the key

Vesonia (snickering): "You're unbelievable."

%ACT% Marcus moves close so their noses *ALMOST* touch.

Marcus: "You too."

Vesonia: "I've never met anyone like you before."

Marcus: "I could say the same thing. Do you want the key back? I'm willing to trade."

Vesonia: "What for?"

Marcus: "Hmmm, I guess a kiss would be in order."

Vesonia: "You're a lousy thief, but you're an even worse businessman. You can keep the key!"

%ACT% Vesonia embraces Marcus, and gives him a DEEP kiss.

%MUS% 0719 - Porno Music
%SND% 0720 - Water splashing (softly)

Marcus: "Woah!"

%ACT% Vesonia kisses him again, and they seriously start making out

Vinnie: "Uhm, hello? Helloooo?"

%ACT% They ignore Vinnie, and start taking off each others clothes

Vinnie: "There's a volcano exploding out there."

Vesonia: "And there'll soon be one exploding in here."

%ACT% Vesonia and Marcus sink down into the pool

Vinnie (jealous): "Right-O. I get the message. The rat has done his duty, the rat may go."

%ACT% Vinnie takes a bow

Vinnie: "Thank you very much, I'm sure. I'll give you five minutes before I let the tiger back in, do you hear me? Hello? Hello? Oh, it's hopeless."

%ACT% Vinnie turns around and leaves towards the dressing room

%LIG% Lights out

%MUS% 0721 - Ending Music
%SND% 0719 FADE
%SND% 0720 FADE
%AMB% 0701 FADE

%HND% Curtain - close