Act 3, Scene 2: The Unlucky Thirteen


%SND% radio jingle - breaking news

Eddie: “The mystery storm, which meteorologists still have no explanation for, is now raging at full force. Parts of the city have been turned into a raging river, which so far has swamped hundreds of cars, smashed mobile homes and killed at least two people. Las Vegas clearly isn't used to this kind of downpour, with 3 inches falling in just a few hours. The Las Vegas area usually receives slightly more than 4 inches in an entire year. Ron McQueen, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service, said this is the city's worst flooding in 15 years: Water turned parts of Interstate 15 into a lake, most intersections are under water and firefighters are rescuing stranded motorists from their waterlogged cars. A man by the name of Robert Anderson saw his neighbor's mobile home being swept away.”

Robert: “The water is picking up cars, throwing them around like toothpicks. It was a huge double-wide and it just went into the water and it just disintegrated.!”

Eddie: “Clark County Fire Department spokesman Steve Lasky said hundreds of cars are trapped in high water and at least three mobile homes have been lost. The rain appears to have led to the deaths of two people, a man whose body was found in a flood channel and a woman who died in a traffic accident, officials said. At this very moment Hotel crews are attempting to clear water from the Las Vegas Hilton ballroom area after flash flooding. Phil Cooper, spokesman for Caesars Palace hotel-casino:”

Phil: “The Strip is a lake, up over the curbs, into our fountains. We had to close down parts of the casino.”

Eddie: “Gilles Bloch, a tourist from France who watched the flooding from his hotel room at the Sahara hotel-casino, described the city as follows”

Gilles: “Looking out the window, it looked like a beautiful woman who had been crying, and all the makeup was running down her face. That's Las Vegas today.”

Eddie: “Flights at McCarran International Airport are shut down, and all planes had to be diverted to Los Angeles. Nevada Highway Patrol spokesman Scott Flabi describes the situation as a nightmare, and one of the worst things he has ever seen. Tourists are seeking shelter in the casinos along the famed Strip, hoping that the weather situation might improve soon … but so far there is no such improvment in sight.”


%AMB% AMB-0901 - Hallway Ambience, Storm Outside

%HND% curtains open

%SND% SND-0901 - Evil Muzak playing in the background at annoying volume from broken speaker. (Girl from Ipanema)

%LIG% main lights on

%LIG% (Scanner) Light on “Unlucky Thirteen”, Color=White, No Movement, Gobo=Holy

%ACT% A security guard, a cleaning woman, and several random people are hanging around in the hallway, bored to death. Yawning. Treading back and forth. Twiddling Thumbs. Picking their noses.

%ACT% several seconds, nothing happens, just the music plays.

Guy1 (yawns): “Is the storm still going on?”

Guy2: “Yep. And it's gotten worse.”

Guy1: “Oh man ….”

Guy2 (enraged): “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooah! Can't someone KILL THE FUCKING MUSIC? It's driving me crazy.”

%ACT% Security Guard cocks his gun, and shoots the speaker (upwards in the ceiling).

%SND% SND-0902 - KABLAMM!! Brzzzzt!!!
%SND% SND-0902 -

Guy2: “Ah! Thank you!”

%SND% SND-0903 - Door slams open, wind blasts in

%ACT% Everyone screams getting blown of the stage to Section A

%ACT% Mika, Lori and Lionel fly in, across the stage, and out to Section A

Mika, Lori, Lionell: “Aaaaaaaah!”

%ACT% Guard runs from Section A to Section B, shouting:

Guard: “Are you completely out of your mind? Close the door! Close the goddamn door! Now!”

%ACT% Guard closes the door.

%SND% SND-0904 - Door slams shut %SND% SND-0903 - (STOP)

%ACT% Mika, Lionel and Lori come crawling back in from Section A, moaning.

%ACT% Cleaning Woman comes after them, cleaning the floor with a mop and a bucket. She stops at the middle of the stage, staying there, infinetly mopping.

%ACT% While everyone crawls back in, guard gives them a speech.

Guard: “Phew! That was close! Don't you dare open this door again! It's the worst storm we've ever had! And as long as I am in charge of the security inside this building, this door stays shut! Do you understand what I'm saying? Shut!

Lionel (jittery): “Yes, sir, perfectly, sir!”

Guard: “All right. You can stay here. But I'll keep an eye on you! Don't do anything stupid!”

Lionel: “Aye aye, sir.”

%ACT% Guard leaves to Section A, passing the cleaning woman.

Cleaning Woman: “Caution! Wet Floor!”

Guard: “Oh shut up!”

Lionel (to himself): “Oh, what have I gotten myself into …”

Lori: “Okay, we made it. Now we must enter the Unlucky 13!”

Lionel: “And how are we supposed to do that? What about the magic spell?”

Lori: “I don't know. Monty was pretty vague about the spell … the only thing he repeatedly mentioned was, 'If you want to enter, you can't'. Whatever that means.”

Lionel: “It means we'll have to figure it out by ourselves. Any volunteers?”

Lori: “Yes! Please let me do it. It's my duty after all that has happened.”

Lionel: “Okay. All you need to do is walk up to the door and try to get in.”

Lori: “All right. It can't be that bad … let's find out what happens.”

%ACT% Lori walks towards section A, walking pass the cleaning woman.

Cleaning Woman: “Caution! Wet Floor!”

%ACT% Lori jumps back.

Lori: “Eeeeeks! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I'll go a different way! I didn't mean to mess up your work!”

%ACT% Lori turns around and walks back to Lionel, looking at him.

%ACT% Lionel looks back.

Lori: “Hello Lionel, I'm back!”

Lionel: “And?”

Lori: “What?”

Lionel: “Why didn't you go in?”

Lori: “Go in where?”

Lionel: “The unlucky thirteen!”

Lori: “Oh yes, you're right! I completely forgot! I … ”

Lionel (groans): “Oh, Lori, if you're too afraid to go, why don't you just say so?”

Lori: “But … but …”

%ACT% Lionel starts going

Lionel: “Don't worry. I'll go for you. Like you said, it can't be that bad …”

%ACT% Lionel walks to Section A, past the Cleaning Woman

Cleaning Woman: “Caution! Wet Floor!”

Lionel: “Yes, yes, I know! Hmmmmm… oh look! What an interesting floor pattern!”

%ACT% Lionel stops, looking down.

Lionel: “All those colorful tiles! I wonder if it's possible to get across the room by only stepping on the white ones … let's see … hop …”

%ACT% Lionel goes “hop”, “hop”, “hop”, and jumps back to Mika and Lori, giggling.

%ACT% Lionel looks at Mika

%ACT% Mika looks at Lionel

Lionel: “Gee! That was fun!”

Mika: “Huh? What are you talking about? Why didn't you go?”

Lionel (baffled): “Uhm … because I did't need to go!”

Mika (angry): “Oh come on, don't play dumb! I'm talking about the unlucky thirteen!”

Lionel: “Oh! Oops! Sorry, I …”

Mika: “*groan* Oh, this is so typical. If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself. Out of my way! Mika is coming! Yeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh!”

%ACT% Mika storms past the unlucky thirteen to section A, off stage

Cleaning Woman (shouts after Mika): “Caution, Wet Floor!”

%ACT% Mika is gone

Lori: “Where is she going?”

Lionel (clueless): “I have no idea … Hey Mika! Mika? Miiiikaaaa!”

%ACT% comes running back from Section A to Section B, carrying a bag of donuts.

Mika: “eeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!”

Cleaning Woman: “Caution! Wet Floor!”

Mika: “Look! I've brought us donuts! They were cheap! And they're still warm!”

Lionel: “What?”

Lori: “Donuts?”

Lionel: “Mika … thanks for the donuts, but what about the unlucky thirteen?”

Mika: “The unlucky what? Oh! The unlucky 13! I … I don't know! What was I supposed to do again?”

Lori: “A-ha! I get it! So THAT'S how the spell works!”

Lionel: “What? How?”

Lori: “Look at what happened to each of us when we tried to approach the door! From what I can see, it works like this: As soon you get too close, the thought just vanishes from your mind … and then you get distracted. That's what Monty meant when he said, 'If you want to enter, you can't.'

Mika: “Yes! Now that you mention it … yes!”

Lionel: “Very good, Lori! You've solved the first part of the puzzle! Now we have to find a way to work around this. Let's think for a moment … we can't go if we want to … but hey, maybe we *can* go if we *don't* want to?”

%ACT% Lori looks back and forth between Mika and Lionel

%ACT% Mika and Lionel look at Lori, then each other and back at Lori again

Lori: “What do you mean? Mika? Lionel? Don't look at me like that! What are you up to?”

Lionel: “Ready?”

Mika: “Ready!”

Lionel: “NOW!”

%ACT% Mika and lionel grab lori

%ACT% Lori protests

Mika, Lionel: “One, Two, THREEEEE!”

%ACT% Mika and Lionel throw Lori passt the cleaning woman

Lori: “Aaaaaaah!”

%SND% SND-0905 - brakes screeching

%ACT% Lori slides a short bit then stops, face down

Cleaning Woman: “Caution! Wet Floor!”

Lori, Mika, Lionel: “OH SHUT UP!”

%ACT% Lori runs back to Lionel, while shouting

Lori: “Lionel! Are you crazy! You almost made me crash into the unlucky 13!”

Lionel: “But Lori, isn't that precisely the reason why we are here? Why did you brake with your claws?”

Lori: “Oh! I did? Cripes! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to!”

Mika: “Okay, observation number two: The spell will not only cause you to lose interest … it'll also make you actively avoid the door if someone pushes you.”

Lori: “Can't you push me harder?”

Mika: “I don't think I want to do that … but hey, I've got an idea!”

%ACT% walks up to the cleaning woman

Mika: “Excuse me, mrs. cleaning lady?

Cleaning Woman: “Caution! Wet Floor!”

Mika: “Yes, I know. Could I ask you to do me a favour?”

Cleaning Woman: “Caution? Wet Floooooor?”

Mika: “Could I borrow your bucket of water for a moment?”

Cleaning Woman (shaking head, angry!): “CAUTION! WET! FLOOR!”

Mika: “Please?”

Cleaning Woman (growling): “CAU-TION! WET!!! FLOOORRRRRRRRRRRR!”

%ACT% Mika groans

Mika (explodes) “Listen to me, lady, if you don't give me that bucket, I'll take that mop, and shove it up your …”

Lori: “Mika!”

Mika: “What?”

%ACT% Lori walks up to Mika

Lori: “Step back, and let me handle this. I'll get your bucket.”

Mika (angry): “Okay … go ahead. But this'd better work!”

Lori (sighs mockingly): “It's always the same … if you want something done, you've got to do it yourself.”

%ACT% Mika growls

%ACT% Lori takes breath


%SND% SND-0906 - Klaxon/Buzzer/Guards

%ACT% Security Guards come blasting in from everywhere

Guard: “What? Terrorist attack! Red alert! Red alert! Get her before it's too late! Shoot first, ask later!”

%ACT% Security guards jump on cleaning woman perpetually.

%SND% SND-0907 - Fighting noises

Cleaning Woman: “Wet floor! Wet floor! Wet floor! Caution! Wet Floor! Wet Floor! Aaaaaargh”

%SND% SND-0907 - (STOP)

%ACT% Guards drag woman away.

Lori: “Welcome to the most secure nation in the world, where justice always prevails! Okay Mika, here's your bucket. What now?”

Mika: “Now I'm going to make sure you'll reach the unlucky 13 no matter how hard you step on the brake …”

%ACT% Mika spills the bucket

%SND% SND-0908 - Spill Water

Mika: “Caution, Wet Floor!”

Lionel: “Very funny. But okay, I get the idea. Now, who is going to push whom?”

Lori: “I would say Mika pushes me, and then you push Mika, and then …. uh … Lionel, who's supposed to push you?”

Lionel: “It looks like I'll have to stay behind.”

Mika: “No! There's no way I'm not going to leave you behind in a situation like this… there must be a different solution … we need some other person to push all of us at the same time.”

Lionel: “Or some other THING!”

Mika: “What?”

Lionel: “I've got an idea! But it'll only be good for one single push, so we'll somehow have to make sure to stay together.”

%ACT% Lionel takes the mop and lies it down.

%ACT% Lionel sits on the stick of the mop

Lionel: “Ah! That should do the trick. Come on everybody, let's get on this broomstick. ”

Mika: “I still don't know what you're up to … but … okay …”

%ACT% Mika and Lori sit down on the broomstick

Lionel: “Okay. Now all we have to do is wait for someone to open the door, and the *wind* will push us right into the unlucky thirteen, all at once. And there'll be nothing we can do to prevent it once we're moving, no matter how much the spell makes us want to.”

Mika: “Very smart. But how long are we supposed to wait? It might take hours for someone to come through the door! We're running out of time!”

Lori: “We could call a pizza delivery service or something.”

Mika: “Yeah sure. There's only the worst thunderstom of the century going on out there. I mean, who on earth would risk their lives coming to an unlikely place like this, at a time they would be least expected to show up, despite a good chance of ending up in front of a closed door, with the full knowledge they might be just the victim of a very bad prank? I can't think of anyone!”

%ACT% Lionel takes out his mobile phone and dials

%SND% SND-0909 - Beep Beep Beep

Lionel: “Hello? Is this the jehova's wittnesses headquarters?”

Lionel: “Yes, I know it's a peculiar time … but we're three lost souls in a very pressing situation … and we'd really like to discuss our faith with someone … yes … no problem … the stardust casino … yes, thank you. Bye.”

%SND% SND-0910 - Hangup / Doorbell

Mika: “Wow, that was fast.”

Lionel: “Hello? Who's there?”

Witness1 (off): “Good evening sir! May we come in? We would like to talk to you about god!”

%SND% SND-0911 - door slams open, thunderclap, wind blows

%ACT% Witness1 and wittness2 come in, carrying bibles

%ACT% Mop does a wheely

Lionel, Mika, Lori: “Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa….!!!”

%ACT% Mop accellerates, and carries Lori, Mika and Lionel off Stage in Section A, into the unlucky 13

%SND% SND-0912 - crash, helter-skelter, falling, door slams shut
%SND% SND-0911 - (STOP)

Witness1: “Oh my god! What the … I mean … what … ”

Witness2: “Did you see what I just saw?”

Witness1: “Three witches taking off into the unlucky 13 on a broomstick?”

Witness2: “I'm getting too old for this shit.”

Witness1: “Word.”

Witness2: “I quit.”

Witness1: “Me too.”

%ACT% Witnesses throw away bibles

%SND% SND-0913 - Swish, ka-thump

%LIG% Lights out

%HND% Close Curtain