Act 1, Scene 3: The Tour Guide


%LIG% lights out

%SND% Radio Jingle

Jeff: “This is Jeff Castbroad”

Eddie: “And Eddi Rodia! Welcome back!”

Jeff: “What you just heard was the Song 'Feuer Frei' by Rammstein …”

Eddie: “Those crazy Germans … what are they singing about anyways?”

Jeff: “I don't know … but I'm pretty sure, if I did know, I would no longer be allowed to play it!”

Eddie: “Well, what shall I say … Ignorance is bliss!”

Jeff: “That's so true! But, now for something completely different! Eddie, are you sure you read us the right weather forecast?”

Eddie: “Yeah, pretty sure! Why?”

Jeff: “Because my wife just called me, and she said, 'Hey Jeff, guess what … there's a big fat raincloud right above our house! It's crazy!'”

Eddie: “Well, Jeff, things like that happen … it's always the same with statistics: One day, someone drowns in a river which is two inches deep … on average! The other day, there's suddenly clouds on an otherwise sunny day! But the good news is, the winds have picked up noticeably, so there's a good chance that nasty cloud will be blown into oblivion, and you can have your bbq!”

Jeff: “Phew! Then let's cross our fingers!”

Eddie: “Yes, and for all listeners who want to be on the safe side, I've heard there's still tickets for tonight's show with Celine Dion available, and …”

Jeff: “Hey, Eddie, do you know this one? Celine Dion comes into a bar. Says the bartender: Why the long face?”

Eddie: “*groan* Come on, I know you can do better than that!”

Jeff: “Sorry. Go ahead.”

Eddie: “What I wanted to say is, that there's still tickets available for this show, and if you still can't make up your mind, here's one of the songs from that very show. It's a cover version of a song originally by Cindy Lauper, and it's called … I drove all night!”

%MUS% Celine Dion - I drove all night


%ACT% Two Flyerboys are already on stage

%ACT% curtains open

%AMB% AMB 0301 - Cars, slight breeze, people on sidewalk

%LIG% main stage light on

%ACT% Mika and Lionel enter from Section B, singing “I Drove all Night”, horribly out of tune

Lionel (laughing): “Stop! Stop stop stop!”

%ACT% Mika stops, and laughs

Lionel: “Please, do the world a favor and stop singing!”

Mika: “Now, look who's talking. You were singing so badly out of tune, it nearly made my whiskers fall out!”

%ACT% Mika giggles

Lionel: “Oh yeah? I could have earned a fortune by asking people to pay a tip to make you stop!”

Mika: “Yeah, but because of you they had to change the Geneva convention to cover 'Torture by Singing'.”

Lionel (laughs): “Oh yeah! But you were singing so badly, that they … erm … I mean … they ”

Mika: “Ha! You lose! Now you owe me a drink.”

Lionel: “Alright, alright! I give up! You shall have it! But first, we need to pick up Lori.”

Mika: “Oh, yes! I almost forgot! Do you think she managed to get the vouchers?”

Lionel: “We will see. I must admit that I do feel a bit sorry for her …”

Mika: “Lionel, you worry too much. Firstly, she's not a little girl any more, and secondly it was her fault … not yours. Now look! The Las Vegas strip! Isn't it overwhelming? Oh Lionel! Come on! Let's have a drink and then go gambling!”

Lionel: “Yes, yes! But, we really must meet Lori first!”

Mika: “Where were we supposed to pick her up again?”

Lionel: “I told her to wait at the Flamingo Bar. It's right across the street.”

Mika: “So, what are we waiting for?”

%ACT% Mika walks toward the street and disappears down

Lionel: “Mika … wait!”

%SND% SND-0301 - traffic chaos

%ACT% Lionel tries to shout advice

Lionel: “Ugh … Careful! Left! Right! No! Behind you! Aah!”

%ACT% Mika jumps back to Lionel, shaking him

Mika (panic): “Lionel! They are trying to kill me! They are everywhere!

%ACT% Lionel comforts Mika

Lionel: “Mika! You can't just walk across a road like that!”

%ACT% Lionel demonstrates while he talks

Lionel: “You have stand at the curb, look to the left, then to the right, then to the left again, and then you can safely-”

%SND% SND-0301 - traffic chaos

Mika: “Ugh … Careful! Left! Right! No! Behind you! Aah!”

%ACT% Lionel jumps back to Mika, shaking all over

Lionel: “M..M..Mika? You were right! They're completely insane!”

Mika: “I think we should call a taxi.”

Lionel: “To the other side of the road?”

Mika (shrugs): “Why not? If that's the way things go in Las Vegas … Taxi! Taaaaxi! Taxi!”

%SND% SND-0302 - car approaches, idling engine

%ACT% Taxi shows up from below the stage, a chicken taxi driver

Taxi: “Bork bork bork! (Where do you want to go?)”

Lionel: “To the other side of the road, please!”

Taxi: “Bork bork bork! (Sure, that's 50 bucks.)”

Mika (outraged): “What? 50 Dollars?”

Taxi: “Bork bork bork! (It's a dangerous ride, guys!)”

Lionel: “Yes, we know it's dangerous but … ”

Taxi: “Bork bork bork! (You can always try to walk.)”

Mika: “Alright, if we still want to have some fun in THIS half of the century, it seems we don't have much of a choice! Let's go!”

Taxi: “Bork bork! (All right!)”

%ACT% Mika and Lionel get into the taxi

%SND% SND-0302 - (STOP)

%ACT% The taxi disappears down

%SND% SND-0303 - taxi drives in dolby surround

%ACT% The taxi reappears on the other side

Taxi (puzzled): “Bork bork borkbork? (I have no idea?)”

Lionel: “You really don't know? Because it wanted to get to the other side!”

Taxi (laughing): “Bork bork bork! (Hahaha, that's hilarious!)”

Mika (annoyed): “Yeah, whatever. Thanks for the ride! Good bye!”

Taxi: “Bork bork! (Bye bye!)”

%ACT% Lionel and Mika get off the taxi

%ACT% Taxi drives off

%SND% SND-0303 - (STOP)
%SND% SND-0304 - Taxi drives off

Lionel: “Let's go see if Lori managed to get the vouchers for us. Right this way!”

%SND% SND-0305 - Flyer Boy 1: “Hey Sir, take a flyer, the hottest babes in town, 24 hour service!”

Lionel: “No thanks!”

%SND% SND-0306 - Flyer Boy 2: “Come to the bananarama, and witness the worlds biggest hot dog, for just 2.99! Here, take a flyer!”

Mika (annoyed): “No!”

%SND% SND-0307 - Flyer Boy 3: “Sex, Sex, Sex! Come on, it's free! Sex, Sex, Sex!”

Lionel: (even more annoyed) “Nooo!”

%SND% SND-0308 - Flyer Boy 4: “Come to the Bethlehem Bar and Casino! Non stop christian tabledancing, strip poker and live crucifixion every two hours! Here take a flyer, because Jesus loves you, too!”

Lionel and Mika (annoyed): “NOOOOOOOO!”

Lionel: “These people are really getting on my nerves!”

Mika: “Yes, this is really annoying. If I hear the words 'take a flyer' one more time … I will …”

Monty: “Hi there! Free tourist info! Do you want a flyer?”


Monty: “Aaaaaaah!”

Mika, Lionel: “AAaaaaaaah!”

Monty (trembling): “I'm sorry!!”

Mika: “What?”

Monty (trembling): “I'm sorry. It's just that … I'm a tour guide, and you looked like intelligent people who might want to see more of las vegas than just its facade of pretty lights … sorry for bothering you.”

%ACT% Monty turns around to leave

Lionel: “Oh … uhm … wait! You mean you were not meaning to rip us off?”

Monty: “If I said 'no', would you believe me?”

Lionel: “Uh, fair enough. But in fact I'd be really interested in some of the deeper history of this place, and of course also in …”


Lionel: “Mika! I …”

Monty: “Hey, that's all right. I cater to all kinds of interests. I know a lot of great places you won't find anywhere in the brochures … for example, have you ever heard about the “Unlucky 13”? It's one of Las Vega's best kept secrets! It's said that they make the best margheritas in the world! I can take you there, if you want to … ”

%ACT% Lori appears from outside section B

Lori: “Hey! Mika, Lionel! I'm over here! You won't believe it! I got the vouchers!”

Mika, Lionel: “No, Lori! Careful!”

%ACT% Lori crosses the street unharmed without even looking.

Lori (while running): “I did it! I stood my ground! I sat through all three shows! Just for you! I'm so proud! Here! I really got them! All three!”

%SND% SND-0309 - traffic chaos 2

%HND% Shrapnel flies, taxi re-appears upside down, smoke …

%ACT% Lori stands between Monty and Lionel/Mika, panting.

%ACT% Lionel and Mika look at Lori, speechless for a second.

Lionel: “Lori, are you alright?”

Lori: “Of course I am! Three sales shows in a row are NOTHING i can't handle! I'm feeling fresh and relaxed and ..”

%ACT% Lori eeks, and flinches

%SND% SND-0310 - zombie noises (short)

Lori (altered voice): “must … buy … this … must … buy …”

%ACT% Monty walks up to Lori

Monty: “Uhm … hello there?”

%ACT% Lori turns around

Monty, Lori: “*GASP* What the …!”

%SND% SND-0311 - dramatic sound of realisation

%LIG% (Scanner) lights onto Lori and Monty. Color= dimmed white (Halogen), No Movement, No Gobo

Lori: “I could swear …”

Monty: ”… that I have seen …”

Lori: ”… your face …”

Monty: ”… before!”

Lori: “Who are you?”

Monty: “I … I ….”

%LIG% (Scanner) lights out

Mika: “Oh shit … love on first sight …. we're doomed.”

Lori, Monty: “What? No, we're just ….”

Mika: “I don't believe it! How much longer is this going to take? I'm thirsty! Lori, if you want to flirt with the pretty tiger, that's fine with me … but I'll be on my way to the flamingo bar. Lionel, you coming?”

Lionel: “Uh … yes, sweety, but shouldn't we …”

%ACT% Mika starts leaving to section A

Mika: “No Lionel! No more waiting, no more flyers, no more tour guides! I'm getting myself a drink right now! And then I'm going to get rich! Come on! Let's go! Viva las Vegas! Viva las Vegas!”

Lionel (to himself) “*sighs* I'm sure that's precisely the reason why snow leopards don't live in prides … ”

%ACT% Lionel hurries after Mika

Lionel (shouting back): “Okay Lori … you know where to find us. I've got to run … thanks for the vouchers! Mika! Wait! Waaaiiiit!”

%ACT% Lori looks after Lionel, then turns to Monty

Lori (shy): “Uhm …. hi.”

Monty (shy): “Hi!”

Lori (insecure): “And …. what do we do now?”

Monty: “I think we should talk.”

Lori: “Here?”

Monty: “No, I think I know a better place. May I invite you for a drink?”

Lori: “Yes … I think so … ”

Monty: “Okay, then follow me … ”

%ACT% Monty turns and walks off, Lori follows

Lori: “I really want to ask you a lot of questions. I'm sorry if that sounds very strange to you.”

Monty: “Don't worry. I don't know what's going on here either …”

%MUS% SND-0312 - Mark Snow - Theme from The X-Files

%LIG% lights out

%ACT% Curtain Close