- Stage: The Castle's Main Hall
- Setting: Color
- Props: Spray Can
AMB-11 - Castle without Storm
The Butler cleans up the room with a cleaning rag, humming merrily.
Butler: "Dumm-dee-dum-dee-dumm ... dumm...deee.... DUMM??"
The Butler bumps into the dead body and startles.
The Butler sniffs at the body.
The Butler coughs and gags.
The Butler produces a large spray can, and sprays the body.
SFX-1101 - POUUUUUFFFFF
The Butler sniffs the body again.
The Butler sniffs the body again.
Butler: "Dumm-dee-dum-dee-dumm ... "
SFX-1102 - Doorbell "Mika Style"
Butler jumps in shock.
SFX-1103 - Door Banging
Officer: "This is the police! Open the door! Immediately!"
Butler (silent, to himself): "Uh oh! The police! So soon? That's not good ... not good at all ..."
Butler (loud, to Officer): "I'm coming! Just a moment!"
Butler runs to the dead body, wipes it a few times with the cloth.
SFX-1104 - Iku-iku-iku
Officer: "Okay, you have been warned! I'm going to break the door! One ..."
Butler throws the rag over the stage railing, and runs
Butler: "No wait! Wait!"
Butler: "I'll open! "
SFX-1105 - Door Opens
Officer appears, running past the butler.
Officer trips over the dead body, and crashes down
SFX-1106 - CRASH BOOM!
Lori, Poke and Mika come in, going "Oh my god" and "what happened" and "aaah!, all at the same time.
They all stand around the dead body, looking down.
Lionel: "Hello? Mr. Police Officer? Are you okay?"
Police officer drags himself up, groaning.
Officer: "Sir, should there ever be another murder in your house again in the future, could you please do me a favour and open the door in time? Thank you."
Butler: "Oh! My dear guests! You are back! Thank
goodness! Oh, and finally, the police! I'm so glad to see you, Officer!
My name is James Canterbury, I'm the butler in this house."
Officer: "Mr. Scruffycat, is that him?"
Lionel: "Yes sir, that's him. He and Mika saw the body first."
Officer: "All right then, James, I'm very interested in hearing your version of the story."
James: "Story? Oh, yes! It happened yesterday! I was
preparing the rooms for our guests when I heard the gunshots! I ran down
the stairs as fast as I could! The first thing I saw was the Lord,
lying on the floor. Then I saw ... HER! She stood there, bent over his
dead body! I immediately knew that she was the killer! She said she came
through the window to help, but who would believe a CAT? Then the rest
of the party arrived. I couldn't send them away because of the storm, so
I showed them their rooms. What other choice did I have?"
Officer: "Hmmm, your recount matches what the others
have said. Unfortunately, it also confirms my suspicions about you, Mrs.
Officer turns to Mika
Officer: "You were the first person at the crime scene,
standing right next to the victim, after having gained unlawful entry
through a window. Traces of your fur are on the murder weapon. And
finally, there is a letter offering hush money to the cook, bearing your
Mika: "I didn't do it! I swear! Things are not what they seem!"
Officer: "Mrs. Saesucasa, you are hereby under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used
against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney
present during any questioning."
Officer handcuffs mika
Mika: "No! Lionel! Do something! I didn't do it! You know it! Tell them the full story!"
Lionel: "Yes, officer, there is something ..."
Officer: "Mr. Scruffycat, if you want to make your
testimony, you have the right to do so in court! Now, please, don't
waste my time and let me do my job."
Lori: "Officer! The real killer is still on the loose! If you don't hear us now, he will escape and disappear forever!"
Officer: "The real killer? Listen, we searched every
inch of this island, and we didn't find anybody who's not supposed to be
here. There is no other suspect."
Poke: "Au contraire, Officer! Au contraire!"
Poke: "What if it was one of those who ARE supposed to be here?"
Officer: "What are you trying to tell me?"
Poke: "I'm trying to tell you that I can prove that the murderer is still on this island! In fact ... he's in this very room!"
SFX-1107 - Overly Dramatic Suspense Music
Lori: "Yes, Officer! Your conclusion that Mika should be
the prime suspect is based on an incomplete chain of evidence! When you
questioned Mika earlier, she propably told you about the secret room
full of surveillance equipment, and the rejected screenplays?"
Butler: "She is obviously being delusional! I've been
running this household for more than 30 years. She is lying! There are
no cameras, and no hidden rooms of any kind."
Poke: "Not any more. By now the murderer should
have had enough time to remove all the surveillance gear, and throw it
over some cliff at the shore. But we were able to secure a very
important piece of evidence before he could destroy it. May I present to you: The Script!"
Poke produces the script
Everyone goes "oooooh!"
Officer: "Hey! You've been withholding evidence! That's against the law! You're hereby ..."
Lori: "Please, officer, let us finish! This script is a
screenplay for an imaginary episode of 'The Hounds of Blackwhite
Officer: "And what makes it so special?"
Poke: "It precisely describes the murder of Lord
Hesketh-Fortesque. But it was written many months ago. It proves that
the whole thing is setup!"
Officer: "A setup? But how could he have scripted all
this in advance? I mean, there's no way he could have foreseen all of
Lori: "He made us follow his script by the way he set
things up. He strategically arranged the circumstances. He planted
evidence for us to find, so we would jump to certain conclusions. For
the unforseeable details, he left blanks in the script to be filled in
Poke: "It all worked soooo nicely ... well, until, when
everyone else was asleep, Mika suddenly heard a noise. She stood up and
followed the murderer to his secret room. He expected me and Lori to
investigate ... but not Mika. So she caught him by surprise!"
Officer: "So you say, all the evidence is planted? That's a pretty keen allegation! Can you back it up?"
Lori: "Yes, I can. One of the things the murderer
couldn't foresee was who of us would enter the house first. So he had to
be prepared for all four possibilities. For example, he had to write
four versions of the letter to the cook that we were supposed to find,
and then plant the correct one depending on who of us would come in
Poke: "And guess what we found? Neatly stapled and punched, and inserted at the appropriate page in the script?"
Lori: "Bingo! Three identical letters. One bears my
signature. One bears Lionels signature. And the last one ... well, the
last one bears the signature of someone called 'I.C. Wiener'"
Mika: "Yes! I remember ... we had to fill in the forms
to get our tickets. And because Poke can't write, I had to fill in the
form for him. I'm always the one who has to do all the writing for Poke,
and it really ticks me off! So, to make a little fun of him, I signed
his form with 'I.C. Wiener'!"
Lori: "The murderer blindly took the signatures from our
application forms, faithfully copying Mika's prank, believing it is
Poke's actual signature!"
Poke: "Only two people on this island had access to our application forms. One of them died yesterday."
Lori: "And there's more. The folder has the author's
name on it. The name of a person who sent hundrets of crappy scripts to
the producer of 'The Hounds of Blackwhite Castle'. 'Abe M. Y. Carters
Jun'. But that's not his real name. It's an anagram. You have to
Re-Arrange the Letters and you'll get the true meaning. This person
obviously needed to remain unrecognized, because the Producer knew him
Poke: "Truth be told, the Murderer of Lord Hesketh Fortesque is .."
Poke and Lori: "James Canterbury!"
Butler: "Oh come on, Officer, you can't take this
serious. That there's an anagram of my name on a cover of some
ridiculous script of unknown origin doesn't prove anything. And about
the letter ... maybe it was the Lord himself who prepared it, to make a
little fun of his guests, to add a little ... mystery? Who knows?"
Officer: "There's still Mrs. Saesucasa's fur on the handle of the murder weapon. How do you explain that?"
Poke: "James faked it, of course."
Butler: "That's nonsense! How should I have done that! I wasn't even there!"
Poke: "Or were you? Here is our reconstruction of the crime."
SFX-1108 - Music?
Lori: "You had everything prepared. The script. The
cameras to get it all on tape. A Furetta B-22, loaded with nine shots.
You made sure the window would be the only way to get into the house,
and you placed a strip of double-sided sticky tape on the windowsill.
The Lord was already waiting for our arrival in the hall."
Poke: "Then we came, and Mika rang the doorbell."
Lori: "You wanted everyone to believe that the killer
had been standing outside the window. So, you did not just make sure to
stand at the right angle, no, you even wanted to make it look like the
last shot got stuck and the killer was forced to finish his job by
throwing the weapon."
Poke: "So, you stepped up to the Lord, fired 8 times,
and then struck him down with the handle of the weapon. Then you picked
up the empty bullet casings, and quickly left the room, taking the blood
stained gun with you."
Lori: "Mika heard the shots, and climbed in through the
window ... leaving traces of her fur on the sticky tape on the
windowsill! As soon as she was inside, you quickly walked outside
through one of side doors. You dropped the bullet casings on the
pavement outside the window, took a bunch of hairs from the sticky tape,
and dispersed them over the blood on the gun."
Poke: "You took a cleaning rag and covered the gun with
it. You rushed back inside, confonting Mika. While pretending to be
scared shitless, you dropped the rag with the gun still in it."
Mika: "Now that you mention it ... yes ... I did hear something drop with a loud clank when James came storming in."
Officer: "That's a nice story, but where is the proof?"
Lori: "Well if the fact that it's almost impossible to
land a deadly hit by throwing a gun over a distance isn't enough for
you, check the gun. The last bullet didn't get stuck. There never was
a ninth bullet. He loaded it with only eight rounds, because he knew
that it's a VERY bad idea to hit someone over the head using a loaded
gun with the barrel pointing back at yourself."
Poke: "And if you're still not convinced, Officer, have a close look at the sticky tape on the windowsill. It's still there."
James (annoyed): "This is ridiculous! It's .. it's a
conspiracy! Officer, I ask you to remove these vandals from our
premises! This is ... a breach of domestic peace! Trespassing! Slander!
And yes, go look at the bloody tape! You won't find anything!"
Poke: "Oh, yes, you're right, we won't find anything suspicious on
it. Of course you made sure not to leave any nasty fur or fingerprints
on the weapon or anywhere else, so you wore gloves. Including the time
when you removed the cover of the double sided sticky tape!"
Lori: "But you made a bad mistake. You forgot to put on your gloves when you first applied it to the windowsill! I checked it before we came in. There's none of your fur on the tape. But plenty of it underneath!"
James: "But ... but ... but ... I ...."
Poke: "James Canterbury, the game is over."
James: "How dare you? You're just a filthy little ferret! You're not the police! You're nothing! You ..."
Officer: "James Canterbury. You are under arrest. You
have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against
you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present
during any questioning."
James breaks down crying hysterically
Officer unshackles Mika
Officer: "Mrs. Saesucasa ... you are free to go. You are no longer under arrest."
Mika: "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
Mika and Lionel cuddle happily.
Poke and Lori walk towards each other.
Lori: "Inspector Fritham?"
Poke: "Ms. Loreena McMarple?"
Lori & Poke: "Gimme Five!!!!"
$ACT% Lori and Poke high-five
Mika walks over to James
James (sobbing) "Yes?"
Mika: "Just one final question. Why? Why did he have to die?"
James: "Once I used to have a prestigious job. I was one
of the stars of "The Hounds of Blackwhite Castle". I loved my job. I
love the series. Being part of it was a dream come true. But then,
things began to change. Everyone else was stepping up the career ladder
... but I remained only just 'the guy who plays the butler'. I had
always dreamed that one time, I'd be able to write my very own episode."
Mika: "I see ... so you started submitting scripts, but they all got rejected!"
James: "Yes! When the series ended, nobody believed that
I could ever play anything else except "the butler", and I ended up
being unemployed. One day, the Lord offered me to become his real
butler. And I had no other choice than to accept. Oh, the irony. I
hated him, the man who rejected all of my scripts, and now I was forced
to be his servant! My hate grew with every day. Eventually I began
forging a plan! I began writing the final, the ultimate, my very own
episode of "The Hounds of Blackwhite Castle". And you were
supposed to be ... my star! But you ruined it! You ruined everything!
Oh, Mika Saesucasa! Why didn't you just stay in bed like you were
supposed to? Why? *Why?*"
Mika shakes her head
Mika (cold): "You know ... when I asked you for your
story, I was hoping, I might regain at least a little bit of sympathy
for you. But now I find ... that I just can't. I'm sorry".
Poke: "Pa-dadaa-dadadadam! And so ends another episode
of "The Hounds of Blackwhite Castle", the only series with more drama
Officer: "Ms. Loreena McFolkmanis? Mr. Poke? Thank you
for your help. Your assistance will be commended in my report. You've
done a hell of a job!"
Lori, Poke: "Yaaaaaaaay!"
Lori and Poke dance their little happy-dance
SFX-1109 - Ending Song fades in
Mike turns to Lionel
Mika: "Yes, Lionel?"
Lionel: "I think it's time to go home."
Mika: "Yes, I think you're right. I've had my share of adventure for at least another year".
Lionel: "Uhm, and, Mika? There's something I've got to tell you."
Mika: "What is it?"
Lionel: "I love you."
Mika: "I love you, too."
Lionel and Mika hug and kiss
Poke & Lori: "Eeeeeeeeeeew!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "A shot in the dark / That nobody hears / Blood, red like a flame / That bobody sees"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "You never had friends / to share joy and pain / And now that is why / you'll die in the rain!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "Nine lives are not enough / to understand the ways of hate and love / But if we're strong enough / Together we can solve a part of it, I hope ..."
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "Woah! Woah! Hold your horses! What the fuck is that!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "It's the ending song. Isn't it wonderfully dramatic?"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "I'd say its wonderfully depressing! We just
had the perfect happy ending, and then you sing about pain and dying in
the rain. DID I MISS SOMETHING?"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "But a good crime thriller has no happy ending!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "But ours had!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "Poke, you don't understand this. Could you please just shut up, and let me continue my song?"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "No!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "But I'm not going to let you ruin my ending song!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "And I'm not going to let YOU ruin my happy ending!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "We've started this song, so we must finish it!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "Oh really? Well, then let's get it over with!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "I hate cute kittens! / I hate pink balloons! / I hate cotton candy! / And Disney Cartoons!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "But there is one thing / I can't live without! If I don't get it / I will scream and shout:"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "I want my happy end! / Where prince and princess walk out hand in hand! / No troubles left to see! / And everafter they lived happily!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "I want my happy end!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori: "There is no happy end!
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Poke: "Will this song ever end?"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - Lori & Poke: "Oh yes, this is the end!"
SFX-1109 (cont.) - two shots are fired
Poke and lori fall over backwards, disappearing from stage.
End of Act 3 - CURTAIN CALL!
MUS-09 - Muppets End Theme
MUS-10 - Poets of the Fall - Lift
MUS-11 - Juergen Vries - The Theme
MUS-12 - Ferry Corsten - Star Traveller
(If you read this, it's time to get a beer.)