- Stage: The phone booth
- Setting: Lighthouse at one side of the balcony, several steel cables running above the audience, Telephone pole and English telephone booth in section A
- Section: A, B, Audience
- Puppets: Lionel, Lionelwith RC control, Lioneldouble for climbing up, Mika, Lori, Poke, Ravens
- Props: Receiver, Spoon
- Music: ""
AMB-09 - seaside ambience, strong wind, waves
Lori enters, shivering from the cold
Lori: "Lionel? Is it still far to go? I'm freezing, my fur is all wet from the rain, and I ..."
Mika, Lionel and Poke enter from Section A, going past the telephone pole and booth
Lionel: "Oh Look over there! The lighthouse! We're almost there!"
Lori: "We're saved!"
Poke: "I'll be first! Last one in is a rotten egg!"
All run on toward Section B and stop at the waterline
Poke runs on, goes under with a gurgling noise
SFX-0901 - gurgling
Lori: "Poke? Poke!"
SFX-0902 - reverse gurgling
Poke comes back, coughing and spitting
Poke (cursing): "Why didn't anyone tell me that the fucking lighthouse is not on the island but in the middle of the fucking water?"
Mika: "What a striking observation, Mr. Holmes. But how do we get over there? Shouldn't there be boat or something?"
Lionel: "Yes, of course, but it's on the other side. Look over there!"
Lori: "Oh no! We're trapped! The murderer is out there!
Can't you feel it? Just thinking about it makes me shiver! It's just
like in episode 485, where he chases his victims all across the island
into a dead-end, cornering them with no way out. They argue about how to
escape or what to do ... but they just can't agree! And in the end they
all die a horrible death! And why? WHY?? BECAUSE INSTEAD OF JUST
RUNNING AWAY, THEY KEPT TALKING AND TALKING AND TALKING AND ..."
All: "STOP TALKING ALREADY!"
Mika: "Don't panic, okay? There's a light in the tower.
That means the lighthouse keeper is still awake. And over there is a
phone booth. The connection to the mainland may be broken, but perhaps
we can still get through to the lighthouse!"
Lionel: "Yes, that's it!"
Lori: "We're saved!"
Poke: "I'll be first! Last one in is a rotten egg!"
cheer, all run there, piling up in the phone booth
SFX-0903 - fump
SFX-0904 - fump
SFX-0905 - fump
SFX-0906 - fump
Lori (oppressed): "Now what?"
Mika (oppressed): "Now pick up the receiver!"
Poke: "I can't move."
Lori: "I can't breathe!"
Lionel (grunts, oppressed, angry): "I can't stand it no more! Out! OUT! All of you!"
SFX-0907 - Lionel roars
They leave the phone booth
Lionel: "Okay, now one, I repeat, one of us will go in there to call the lighthouse."
Lori: "Oh, oh! Let me do it! Let me do it!"
Lionel: "Lori? You? Have you ever made an emergency call before?"
Lori: "No, but I've seen 1404 episodes of The Hounds of
Blackwhite Castle. I know precisely what to do in a situation like
Lionel: "Oh ... kay ... Then I suppose nothing can go wrong."
Lori enters the phone booth
SFX-0908 - dialling, ringtone, distant ringing of a phone
SFX-0908 (cont.) - pick up
SFX-0908 (cont.) - Keeper: "Hello?"
Lori (screaming): "Aaah! HELP! He's after me! He's got a
knife! Please help me! He's coming closer! No! You must help me! I
don't want to die! Help! Aahah!"
SFX-0909 - Keeper: "What the hell ..." + Hang up
Lori hangs up
Lori leaves the booth.
Lori: "Ha. There. Everything's settled. Help is on it's way."
All stare at her
Mika growls at Lori
Lori: "Well? Was that not ... the way .. to do it?"
Mika growls more, shushing Lori
Mika: "Sit down before you hurt yourself!"
Mika goes past Lori and enters the booth
SFX-0910 - dialling, ringtone, distant ringing of a phone
SFX-0910 (cont.) - Keeper (annoyed): "Who is it?"
Mika: "Uh, excuse me, Sir. My name is Mika Saesukasa, and I would like to ask you for help."
SFX-0911 - "Help? Wait ... are you with this moron who called me just a minute ago?"
Mika: "No ... uh, I mean ... yes ... uh ... I think I
must apologize for the behavior of my friend. She was a little ...
overexcited and didn't find the proper words for-"
SFX-0912 - Keeper: "Not the proper words? I'll tell you the proper
words: Get Lost! Waking up an old man in the middle of the night! If
you're going to call this number one more time, I'm going to come over
and spank your butt! Is that clear? Now leave me alone!"
SFX-0912 (cont.) - hang up, busy tone
Mika hangs up and leaves the booth
Lionel: "And? How did it go?"
Lori: "Yes, what did he say?"
Mika: "He said, you deserve to have your butt spanked!"
Poke (attentive): "Oh, now you got me interested! Maybe I should give him a call. How did he sound like? Was he hot?"
Mika: "Hot? Oh yes, literally! Steaming and foaming! sigh Forget it ... It's hopeless, he's not going to listen to us any more."
Lionel: "Alright, alright ... that means we'll have to get across the water on our own. But how?"
Mika: "I've got an idea! Let's wait until the murderer
shows up. Then we let Lori talk to him like in episode five million and
three hundred until he kills himself because he just can't take it anymore!"
Lori (anrgy): "Oh yeah? I'd say we should just float across to the lighthouse on top of your bloated ego!"
Poke (mocking): "Bitch fight! Bitch fight!"
Lionel: "Timeout! Timeout! ... Lori, Mika! Stop fighting! We can not swim, we can't take the boat ... what else could we try?"
Lori: "We still have the telephone."
Mika: "Lori, you ruled that out already."
Lionel (contemplating): "No no no ... Mika, she's got a point. The telephone. Yes! The telephone!"
Lionel looks at the booth and the wires
Mika, Poke, Lori: "The telephone?"
Lionel. "Yes, the telephone! Not the phone itself but the telephone wires!"
All: "Oh ..."
Lionel: "Are you guys thinking what I am thinking?"
Poke: "Oh yes, of course, Lionel!"
SFX-0913 - swish 1
SFX-0914 - swish 2
Poke re-appears with a huge spoon.
Poke: "But where are we going to get twenty-four lap-dancers and a 50 gallon tub full of of chocolate sauce?"
All stare at Poke
Poke: "Oh ... maybe I was not thinking what you were thinking. Never mind."
Poke drops the spoon to the front stage
Mika: "Lionel, you must be kidding! You're not going to climb up there, are you? You could get yourself killed!"
Lionel: "Mika, if I don't go, we all might get killed.
This is not just about me, it's about my friends ... and about you. And
after all, it's just telephone wire, so there's nothing to fear!"
Mika (hesitant): "I wouldn't be so sure. Just ... be careful, okay?"
Lionel: "Don't worry, everything will be fine. Cross your claws for me, will you?"
Lionel gives Mika a peck on the nose
Lionel goes over to the telephone pole and climbs it
Mika: "Good luck!"
The others look at him, while he climbs
Lionel disappears at the top of the pole
Mika: "Lionel? Are you okay up there?"
upper light off, spotlight on horizontal wires
SFX-0915 - suspense music
AMB-09B - added wind
Lionel: "Yes, I'm doing fine, just getting a bit wet! I'll now try to go across."
Lionel climbs along the wires towards the lighthouse
Lionel: "It's quite windy up here, but all in all it's
easy going. No worries! As long as I don't look down ... everything will
be fi-i-iiine ... whaaa ..."
Lionel comforts himself, muttering to himself
Ravens appear, one by one, pecking on each other think Muppet's Show
SFX-0916 - flapping wings, ravens
Mika: "Yes, you're doing great! You are almost halfway across!"
Lionel reaches the end of the wires
Lionel: "Mika, can you hear me? I'm almost there. Oh, look! Birds! Aren't they cute?"
SFX-0917 - ravens craw!
ravens stare at Lionel
Lionel: "Shoo shoo, little birdies! Uncle Lionel is coming through! Move aside!"
Lionel gets attacked by the ravens
SFX-0918 - ravens craw violently and flap their wings!
Lionel: "Argh! Shoo! shoo! Go away! Ouch! Let me through! Argh!"
Lionel crawls back a meter
Lionel: "Shit! Those damn birds won't let me pass! Mika! Lori! I need your help!"
Lori: "Oh no! Lionel! Come back down, quick!"
Lionel: "No, I made it this far, I'm not going to give up because of some stupid birds!"
SFX-0919 - ravens croak in protest at Lionel
Mika: "All right! Just try not to fall off, we'll try to think of something."
Poke (shouts): "Can you please hold the line?"
Lionel: "Very funny! But yes, I guess I can hang on for a little while."
Lori: "Okay then, how about throwing stones at the birds?"
Poke: "If you're supergirl, sure, go ahead! I don't know about you, but I can't throw that far."
Mika: "Lionel? You're a lion! Why don't you try to scare them away!"
Lionel: "Somehow I doubt that'll work, but I'll do my best!"
SFX-0920 - Lionel roars
SFX-0920 (cont.) - ravens fluttering and crawing
ravens flutter and craw at Lionel
Lionel: "It didn't work. They are completely unimpressed!"
Mika: "Darn! What else could we try?"
Lori: "I'll try calling the lighthouse again. Maybe he will listen to us this time."
Mika: "Forget it! It won't work!"
Lori: "Don't you understand? It's my fault that Lionel had to go up there! I must save him! And I will! Get out of my way!"
Lori pushes Mika aside and steps into the phone booth
Mika: "Lori? I really don't think it's a good idea to ..."
SFX-0921 - dialtones, ringtone, ring, bzzzzzt
strobe on Lionel
Lionel: "Aargh! Waaah! Stop! Stop! Are you crazy?"
Lori jumps and drops the phone
Lori: "Aaaaah! Lionel!"
Mika (angry): "Lori! That was NOT a good idea! Lionel? How are you doing up there?"
Lionel: "That was quite a jolt! But I'm fine! Do me a favor and never dial this number again, okay?"
SFX-0922 - ravens craw
Lionel: "Ah, shut up, damn birds! Just wait until I get you!"
Mika: "Lionel? I think I have an idea! Hold on!"
Mika walks to the phone booth
Lionel: "No! Mika! Don't use the telephone again!"
Mika: "Trust me, I know what I'm doing! I'm not going to call that number again! But maybe if I dial a different extension it'll go through a different wire."
SFX-0923 - dials, ringtone, bzzzzt, ravens craw
left two ravens get shocked
strobe on ravens
Lionel: "Ha! Yes! It worked! At least partly. You zapped two of them, but they came back immediately!"
Mika leaves the phone booth
Poke goes into the phone booth
Poke: "Hey, Lionel! Mika! Look what I can do!"
Lionel, Mika: "POKE!"
SFX-0915 (STOP!)- suspense music
SFX-0924 - blue danube on dialtones
zaps on the ravens
Mika: "Will you stop that? This is not funny! Stop!"
SFX-0925 - dap da da dap da , zap zap!
two zaps on the ravens
Mika (angry): "Poke!"
Poke: "Sorry. I just couldn't resist."
Lionel: "Very funny ... but it still doesn't help much.
As long as at least one of them is still there, the rest will always
come back! It looks like you will have to scare away all of them at once. Can you do that?"
Mika: "I don't see how!"
Poke: "Can't we call all the numbers at the same time?"
Mika: "We only have one telephone, Poke."
Lori: "What about the North Cothlestone Island emergency call?"
Mika: "Lori! That's a brilliant idea! Um ... It only has one little flaw ..."
Mika looks up at Lionel
Mika: "Lionel? Say, can you hang on there by ... let's say ... just one paw for a minute?"
Lionel: "Are you kidding? It's hard enough as it is now!"
Mika: "Well, okay ... Lionel, in this case you'll have to be a really strong lion now!"
Mika enters the phone booth
Lionel: "What? What are you going to do? Mika? MIKA?"
Mika: "Hold on tight! And ... good luck!"
Mika dials the emergency number
SFX-0926 - hundreds of phones ringing at the same time, electric zaps, ravens crawing and fluttering
ravens zapped, jump, flutter
Lionel: "Arrrgh! Ouch! Stop! Stop! Aaaargh!"
ravens fly away or fall down
Mika hangs up
Lionel (shaking): "What the hell ..."
Mika: "I'm sorry, Lionel! But look! The birds are gone! Now climb over, quickly, before they come back!"
Lionel (shaking): "If I can still move, that is. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to let go of these wires again."
Mika: "Oh come on! You can do it! Move!"
Lionel moves on to the lighthouse, groaning
Lionel (off): "Yes, I made it. I'm on the other side. Let me rest for a minute and then I'll come back to you with the boat!"
Mika (off): "Okay, but ... please hurry."
Lionel (off): "I'll do my best. Now ... where is that ladder? Ah, there!"
SFX-0927 - Static Zap 1
Lionel: "Aargh! Static discharge!"
SFX-0928 - Static Zap 2
SFX-0929 - Static Zap 3
repeat 927/928/929 and fade out
MUS-07 - Swan's Splashdown