- Stage: The Kitchen
- Setting: Two tables with a gap in between. Each table has a prominently visible (closed) drawer in it. Section A: The table of "The United States of Household Appliances." In the background, lines of kitchen appliances, resembling the skyline of a big city, and food in boxes, like one big box of cereal sporting the statue of liberty and a caption "FREEDOM FLAKES". Section B: The table of "Kingdom of Fruitistan" (in the background, some sacks of flour in a flour desert, palm trees, exotic fruit).
- Props: A large canister of "OLIVE OIL" standing on the Fruitistan table
- Puppets: Lori, Poke, Blender, Toaster, Palm, Pineapple with suicide bombing belt
AMB-05 - Kitchen Ambience
Lori and poke are standing in the middle of the kitchen, in the gap between the two tables.
Lori, Poke: "Oooooh! Aaaaaah!"
SFX-0501 (HOLD) - Startrek Theme
Lori: "Wow! Look at this kitchen! Amazing!"
Poke: "Thrumpton Castle! The Final Frontier! These are
the voyages of Commander Poke Fritham, his five-day mission to explore
strange new crimes..."
Lori: "Argh, Poke! You're mixing up the series again!"
SFX-0501 (RELEASE) - Startrek Theme (record spin)
Poke: "Yeah, what's your fucking problem?"
Lori: "This is Blackwhite Castle! Neither Inspector Poke
Fritham nor Loreena McMarple have ever heard about spaceships and
Poke: "Yeah, but I said 'Thrumpton Castle', and not 'Space'. So what's your fucking problem?"
Lori (angry): "It's still the wrong series!"
Poke (louder): "Yeah, but what's your fucking problem?"
Lori (desperate): "Stop saying that word! Fritz Fritham is british and doesn't say dirty words like that!"
Poke: "All right ... then ... what's your 'sexual intercourse' problem?"
Lori (furious): "I don't have any!"
Poke (mocking): "No sexual Intercourse? Awwww!"
Lori starts crying
Lori (sobbing): "And I thought we were a team!"
Poke: "Hey, just because I don't want to have sex with you doesn't mean we can't work together on a professional level ..."
Poke clumsily tries to comfort Lori
Lori: "Take your filthy paws off me! I'm Loreena McMarple!"
Poke: "So, then, what's 'Loreena McMarple's' next move
to tighten her relentless grip on her prime suspect, Miss Mika
Lori: "Relentless grip? Mika is our friend! I don't
believe she could do something like this! We must go on searching! Look
around! This is a large castle, someone must have heard something. You
don't kill someone and then walk out without anybody noticing."
Poke: "Sounds like a lot of work! We should try task sharing. You do the work, and I share the credits. How does that sound?"
Lori: "Hmm ... You check this half of the room, and I'll check the other half. How does that sound?"
Poke: "Oh well, it was worth a try ..."
Lori walks over to Section B
Poke: "Maybe there's something in this drawer!"
Poke tries to open the drawer.
Blender: "Hey you! What do you think you're doing! Stand back immediately!"
Poke: "Woah! Easy! Who the hell are you?"
Blender: "I am Mr. Blender, President of the United States of Household Appliances. Welcome to our country!"
Toaster: "And I am Mr. Toaster, secretary of the state!
The drawer you have been trying to access contains materials which are
relevant for our national security! It's all classified!"
Poke: "What's so secret about them? Why can't I have a look?"
Toaster: "Because we're at war!"
Poke: "Woah! Cool! What kind of war? And who's the enemy?"
Toaster: "Oh ... uhm ... just a second ... today's the
24th, right? I always mess this up ... the war on drugs ... no, that was
last year. The cold war ... no. The war on copyright piracy ... no,
that's scheduled for next year. Hey, Mr. Blender, Sir, could you please
help me out ... what kind of war do we fight this year?"
Blender (embarrassed): "*sigh* It's the war on terrorism. How often do I have to tell you that?"
Poke: "Aha, I understand! Terrorists are bad! But where do they come from?"
Toaster: "Well, look, over there! On the other table!
There they are ... savages! Mindless desert nomads, regarding us with
envious eyes! They don't even have refrigerators!"
Blender: "Unbelievable, isn't it? It's a breeding ground
for fanatic religious beliefs of all kind. Oh, I hate religious
Blender and Toaster (louder): "May God bring death to them all! Hallelujah!"
Poke: "Woah! That sounds scary! Isn't there anything we can do?"
Toaster: "Sure. You can join the army and become a freedom warrior!"
Poke: "Freedom warrior? That sounds mighty cool! How can I join?"
Toaster: "All you have to do is to sign up for our three-year training course and ..."
Poke: "What? Fucking three years? But I don't have so much time!"
Blender: "Mr. Toaster, given the urgency of this operation, I think we can resort to the shortened enrollment procedure."
Poke: "Yes, I want the short procedure! What do I have to do?"
Toaster: "It's easy. First you sign this form to confirm
that you have absolutely no clue what you're getting yourself into.
Then you give me 100 pushups while my colleague shouts nasty insults at
you. That's all."
Poke: "That's all? Okay! I'll do it! When do we start?"
Blender: "We can start right away!
Poke: "All right!"
SFX-0502 - Marching Drums!
Blebder: "Hey you! Where are you from?"
Poke: "Sir, I'm from Kansas, Sir!"
Blender (shouting): "Holy dog shit! Kansas? Only steers
and queers come from Kansas! And you don't look much like a steer to me
so that kinda narrows it down. Do you suck dicks?"
Poke: "Sir, yes sir!"
Blender (shouting): "Who's the slimy little communist
shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death
warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it.
Out-fucking-standing. I will PT you until you fucking die. I'll PT you
until your asshole is sucking buttermilk. Now get down on the floor!"
Poke (screams): "Ahhh!"
Poke starts doing pushups.
Blender: "One! Two! Three!..."
SFX-0502 (STOP) - Marching Drums fade ...
SFX-0503 - Oriental Music
Lori looks up at the other table.
Lori: "Uh ... hello? Hello-o!"
Palm: "Salam Aleikum! Welcome to the Kingdom of Fruitistan."
Lori: "Hi ... My name is Loreena McFolk ... uh ... Loreena McMarple, private investigator!"
Palm (hateful): "Where do you come from? From the other table? Did they send you? They are not going to fool me another time!"
Lori: "No, I'm here of my own accord. Who are you, if you don't mind me asking?"
Palm: "My name is Dr. Wahhab bin Abd al Muhammad bin Ali
bin Sulaiman bin Tamimi bin Muhammad bin Rashid al Ahmad! I am the
Minister of Truth, official delegate of the Kingdom of Fruitistan!"
Lori: "My pleasure, Dr. Wabba Sulambi Fruitu Sulam ..."
Palm: "It's all right to call me 'Dr. Palm'."
Lori: "My pleasure, Dr. Palm. What's with those people on the other table, anyway?"
Palm: "Those people are blasphemous heretics, pretending
that they want to help us. But in reality, they just want to exploit
us, because they depend our resources!"
Lori: "Oh, I understand! However, a cold blooded killer
is on the loose, and it's really important that we find him before more
lives are lost. So we're right now searching the kitchen, and I really
would like to have a look into this drawer in your table ..."
Palm: "No, this drawer is off limits! It contains
documents that are essential for our national security! Only diplomats
and members of the government have access to our state secrets!"
Lori: "Oh, I see. The guys on the other table ... why
are they dependant on your land's resources? Don't they have any of
Palm: "Look at them! They're appliances, all they can do
is consume! They can slice tomatoes! They can chop onions! They can
mince parsley! But to complete their salad, they need oil! Our most
precious resource! They want it for free, so they say we're terrorists,
using that as an excuse to attack us!"
Lori: "Aww! Now all the poor fruitistani have to live in fear, just because of somebody else's greed! That's so mean!"
Palm: "Yes, it is! And we're such a peace-loving nation!
But we will not let our beloved land fall into the hands of the
heathens! We will stand and fight! The skies will be ablaze with flames!
Their beef will be drenched with ketchup and buried between squishy
buns! We'll slice their potatoes and deep fry them in boiling fat while
they're still twitching! And there will be a free toy with each happy meal! Muahahaha!"
Palm: "Well, of course, unless they agree to live in peace with us instead."
Lori: "Oh, this is terrible, and it's all their fault! Isn't there anything I can do?"
Palm: "Yes, my little one! But it takes a lot of
responsibility. You could become an ambassador of the Kingdom of
Fruitistan! I have a very important letter to the President of the USHA.
It's our last hope to solve this conflict diplomatically!"
Lori: "Oh! Oh! Yes! Please! I want to help! Give me the letter, and I'll bring it to them!"
Palm: "As you wish. I hereby appoint you as the official
ambassador of the Kingdom of Fruitistan! You're now officially entitled
to open the drawer. It contains the letter. You must bring it to the
President as soon as possible! The enemy's army is already on the move!"
Lori: "Yes, Sir! You can count on me!"
Palm: "Good luck!"
Lori walks to the drawer and opens it, taking out the letter while the action continues on the other side
SFX-0503 (STOP) - Oriental Music Fades
SFX-0504 - Marching drums Fade in
Blender: "... 98 ... 99 ... 100!"
Poke collapses, wheezing
Toaster: "Congratulations, Private Poke. You're in the army now!"
Poke (still wheezing): "Yes! I made it! Yeeeees! My dad will be so proud of me!"
Blender: "You're a soldier now! You're a weapon! You're
the pride of your country! Are you ready to fight for your country's
Poke: "Yes, Sir, I am ready, Sir!"
Blender: "Are you ready to DIE for your country!"
Poke (*deutlich*): "Yes, Sir, I am ready to die, Sir! Finally, I know that my life has a purpose!"
Toaster: "Attention, soldier! Here is your mission! Our
intelligence reports that a terrorist assault against our table is
imminent. It is your mission to confront the assassin and get yourself
blown up, so that we don't have to. You will become a hero!"
Poke: "It's an honor, Sir!"
Toaster: "Very good! I hereby order you to pick up your
personal copy of the 'soldiers handbook to Fruitistan' from the drawer.
Then, off to Fruitistan you go! There is no need to report back, we'll
be able to see the detonation from over here."
Poke: "Sir, yes Sir!"
Poke opens the drawer, and removes the book.
Poke: "What the fuck? A cookbook?"
Toaster: "What did you expect? The holy bible? Of course it's a cookbook."
Blender: "It has recipies for every situation! Do you understand?"
Poke: "Yes, Sir, I understand, Sir!"
Blender: "Now go! Make your country proud! Dismissed!"
Poke: "Sir, yes, Sir!"
SFX-0504 (STOP) - Marching drums fade out
Poke walks to the middle of the stage
Lori walks to the middle of the stage
Poke: "Halt! Who goes there!"
Lori: "Hi, Poke! It's me, Lori! Newly appointed ambassador of the Kingdom of Fruitistan!"
Poke: "Ha! Fruitistan! I knew it!"
Lori: "What are you talking about? Let me through, I'm
on an important mission! I must meet with the President of the United
States of Household Appliances!"
Poke: "TERRORIST! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
Lori: "But I must pass ... otherwise there will be war between the tables!"
Poke: "If I must fight, I will! I'm Poke, Freedom Fighter of the USHA army! And I will not let you kill the President!"
Lori: "Fighting for Freedom? Isn't that like yiffing for virginity? And who wants to kill the President?"
Poke: "You! You evil, primitive Fruitistani terrorists!
You're envious of our great nation and our superior technology! You're
religious fanatics who are opposed to all kinds of progress!"
Lori: "Oh yes? And you're evil primitive Appliances who
claim moral superiority, while in reality you're just after the oil of
the poor Fruitistani!"
Poke: "No, we're not! This isn't about oil! We're just defending ourselves!"
Lori: "Hah! Who do you expect to believe that? I have
here a letter, the last hope for the poor Fruitistani people to live in
peace! We're looking for a diplomatic solution! War can never be the
Poke: "And I have got my soldier's handbook to Fruitistan! It tells me all I need to know about your table!"
Lori: "Poke! That's not a handbook, it's a cookbook!"
Poke: "What did you expect? The holy bible? It has recipies for all situations!"
Lori: "Oh, what's that?"
Lori: "Something's sticking out of the book. Is that a bookmark? Let me see!"
Lori pulls an envelope from the book.
Lori: "It's a letter! It's adressed to ... 'the cook of thrumpton castle'. And the sender is ... GASP ... Mika Saesucasa? Oh my god! Where did that come from?"
Poke: "I took it from the drawer."
Lori: "They let you look into their drawer? Excellent!
You've probably found a very important clue! Someone must have used it
as a bookmark. Was there anything else in it?"
Poke: "Nope, that was all."
Lori: "Oh, Poke, speaking of letters ... you really must let me through now! I must prevent a war!"
Poke: "Well, that's just what I'm supposed to do by NOT letting you through!"
Lori: "All right, I'm not oficially allowed to do this,
but I'll read the letter to you. Then you will see that the Fruitistani
just want to live in peace!"
SFX-0505 - Ripping Paper + Oriental Music
Lori: "Dear Mr. President. It is to my deepest regret
that I must tell you that your last price offer for further shipment of
salad oil has been most unsatisfactory. Please reconsider your offer one
last time, or we will be forced to abstain from further deliveries.
With equally deep regret, we have noticed your preparations to engage in
preemptive military action against our country. Do you really expect
that after your table has starved us for more than half a century, that
we will then leave your table to live in security and peace? We desire
for your goodness, guidance, and righteousness, so do not force us to
send you back as cargo in coffins. Do not await anything from us but ...
Jihad ... resistance ... and ... revenge."
SFX-0505 - Oriental Music Fades
Lori swallows hard.
Poke: "Oil? This really is about oil?"
Lori: "Jihad? Coffins?"
Poke and Lori stare at each other
Poke (silent): "So, did you find anything else in your table's drawer?"
Lori: "Uhm ... no?"
Poke: "Allright ... then lets GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! AAAAAAAAARHG!"
A pineapple comes running from the Fruitistan table towards the USHA table
SFX-0506 - Pineapple (shouting): "Death to all appliances! The holy war has begun!"
SFX-0506 (cont.) War Music
Blender: "We're under attack! We must defend our table!"
Toaster: "Fire at will!"
Toaster tilts and fires two toasts with skulls on them
SFX-0507 - ka-chack - falling bomb
toasts fly overhead the pineapple towards Fruitistan
Lori and Poke run away screaming
Pineapple runs into the USHA table
main lights out
SFX-0506 (STOP) War Music Fades
SFX-0507 (cont.) - boom (toast impact) - sound of war ... then a brief silence ... falling of a bomb. Loud Boom.
fast, bright strobe
blacklight on (reveals mushroom cloud on backdrop)
SFX-0507 (cont.) - crackling fires, air raid sirens, fading
blacklight off (when sounds are gone)
MUS-04 - America, Fuck Yeah!